Dear Carter Franke

Dear Carter Franke,

You[1] and Chase Card Services[2] are pre-approved to provide all of my credit needs for the rest of my freaking life at a tremendous cost savings to Chase Card Services. Best of all, you can do it using a card customized to suit my needs.

Footnote 1: As Chief Marketing Officer for Chase Card Services, I would be willing to bet that you receive zero of the 200 letters per year that I receive over your signature. On the other hand, I would be willing to bet that your own mother--assuming that she is a good credit risk--is sick and tired of mail from you.

Footnote 2: Do you really need 400 separate credit cards to accommodate the individual differences of your customers? And if so, are they really all a perfect fit for me? Visa Platinum? Travel Rewards? Ultimate Cash? Do you really think that some combination of magic words in the name will win me over?

Here are some of the exciting benefits of the new card you will provide:

• Zero percent APR. Forever. Because we always pay the full balance of every credit card every month.
• Save Now, and Keep Saving. Chase will save hundreds of dollars each year on postage, because it will stop sending junk mail to me.
• Double Your Points. Chase will save another several hundreds of dollars each year on postage, because it will stop sending junk mail to my beloved wife, who is an excellent credit risk as well as a hot deputy district attorney.
• Be Good to Planet Earth. Think of the trees, man. You can honestly save an entire tree over the next 20 years simply by ceasing to send credit card invitations to my house.
• Full Platinum Benefits. Just heap all of the benefits on there. Airline miles, free balance transfers, free insurance of some undecipherable sort on rental cars, rental car discounts. Cash back. Donations to my charity of choice. Discounts at my favorite retailers. You can personally wash my car each time one of us is in the other's vicinity, if you like. We will smile happily while using each benefit, and your participation numbers will shine for other potential cross-promotional partners.

Simply fill out and mail back the certificate below in one of the 400 postage-paid envelopes that your minions have pre-addressed to my home. Or, for even faster service, simply mail me an enormous check, and we can both go away happy. You choose your preferred payment method. All I ask is that you respond before August 29, 2005, and then never send mail to me again.

Sincerely,

Derek
Attorney at Law
Roseburg, Oregon