SpongeBob takes it in the shorts

On Sunday, the A-Train and I went to a birthday party for a friend of his who was turning five. There was pizza, and running, and playing on the restaurant's play equipment, and video games, and ... a SpongeBob SquarePants pinata.


The Victim

The children at this party ranged from 2 to 8 years old, so the pinata was about the same size as they averaged. Thanks to my fellow attorneys, I am sure, this pinata was not designed to be hammered with a stick or a bat, as pinatas should. Instead, this model had about 15 thin ribbons attached directly to (there's no polite way to say this) SpongeBob's groin area. I found that mildly disturbing.

The party boy's mom held up SpongeBob, and the children took turns yanking his chains. As the A-train took his second turn, I imagined what it would look like when the final string was pulled. The cork (or whatever) would break free, and candy would come cascading out of SpongeBob's nether regions. This prospect, I found even more disturbing.

For better or worse, it did not happen. Instead, when the last ribbon was pulled, nothing happened. Apparently, SpongeBob's nether regions were defective.

Party boy's mom hesitated only a moment, then decided to let the children try other tools. She laid down SpongeBob in the middle of the circled children.

"Jump up and down on it," she instructed. "Take turns, now."

The children complied with relish.

Had SpongeBob been human, he would have sustained massive internal injury. One enterprising boy bent down and ripped off a leg, then hoisted it into the air as a trophy.

I thought I was beyond disturbance at this point. It did not turn out to be true.

Party boy's mom, seeing that SpongeBob was seriously wounded, decided to finish the job herself. She backed the children off and picked him up. She then performed, by hand, a rough surgical procedure that I hesitate to describe in a family blog.

SpongeBob continued to smile as candy poured from the newly created orifice, but I don't think he was as comfortable as he made out. I did not see him ingest a muscle relaxant, and there was ripping. I certainly squirmed in my own SquarePants.

The A-Train seems to have come through without any emotional scarring, perhaps due to his focus on the candy harvest, but I expect to have nightmares for weeks.